Christ in Me

We had our first official Pre-nursing student meeting last night where the dean of nursing told us what we needed to do to get into the program. Each year they accept 125 students into their program, and she said that this year there will probably be about 190 eligible students who will have high enough grades to make it. That means they will turn down 65 people, with high enough grades to get in, and it freaked me out a little. I know I’m smart and I have been working hard, but on days like last night I wonder if I’m good enough to make it…it’s just a though that has been lingering in the back of my mind all night. I know I can’t worry about it anymore, and I know I just need to forget about it and give it over to God, but that’s so hard for me. Trusting in his perfect will is not something that comes easy for me; I like to be in control of my future, and it’s a constant struggle every day. If he wants me to get in, I will. So simple, but I have a hard time accepting that.

In fact, there are a lot of things I am struggling with at college, more than I imagined. I never seem to get enough sleep, have enough time, study enough for everything, and have enough fun. Some days it seems like the day drags by, every painful second feels like centuries to my weary soul. Looking back at the five weeks I have been here though feels like it’s only been a couple of days, if that even makes sense. Sometimes I wonder why I left my simple life and amazing family to come here and pay a lot of my to stress myself out, then I remember that this is where I belong right now. I know I am here because my heart’s desire is to be a nurse, to minister to people through such an important job, and I know I am here at PCC because God has led me to this school and called me to this profession. He is stretching me all the time, encouraging me, disciplining me, and teaching me many lessons that are just making me a stronger person. Every trial and failed attempt at success is making me better, and shaping my heart for all of God’s wonderful plans he has in store for me. He is preparing me for the life he has planned for me, and while it seems so hard right now, I know I will face even more difficult situations involving more complicated problems later on in life. The only thing besides the grace of God that is getting me through the rest of the semester is HOPE. No not my dog, but the hope of making it, the hope of succeeding, the hope of growing into a better person, the hope of my best (together with God’s mercy) being enough to get me through. Colossians 2:27 says, “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Because God lives in us, we have can have hope; because Jesus died for us, we can have hope; because God is so good, we can have hope. There is a song by Tim Hughes called “Everything” that I think is just amazing. The chorus is something like, “Christ in me, Christ in me, Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything. Be my everything.” I want God to be my everything; I want him to him to be the only thing I desire. If I succeed at everything I am setting out to do in college, I will praise him. Even if I fail, I will still praise him. God’s got my back like no other; he knows what is right for me. I am going to give everything my all, and not only HOPE, but also TRUST in my perfect Savior.

Hey guys! I hope this blog post finds you all happy, healthy, and enjoying life. The reason I haven’t written in awhile is because I have been so busy with homework, classes, and work—college is tough stuff. I haven’t even had time to do any of the fun stuff the college has to offer, like the water park or the roller rink. Maybe this weekend I will get a chance to do some of that stuff …or maybe not…Chemistry and Biology are ruling my life.

I have several close friends, and many friend friends who have made classes more interesting, meals more exciting, and dorm life a lot of fun. I am making so many life memories that I will keep with me forever.

Most of the teachers are pretty amazing, even giving students their cell numbers in case we need anything. Classes have been really tough and the teachers have assigned so much homework over the last few days. I’ve been scrambling like mad in order to finish it all on time. I did get a 100% on my first Chem and Bio quiz, so I was pretty happy about that!

God has been so good to me since I’ve been here, he never lets me down. Even in the times where I don’t want to do something, like work or homework, he always gives me enough endurance to finish whatever I’m working on. But it hasn’t been easy; I am struggling a lot. I was really homesick yesterday, and I was really down about everything. It felt like I was barely keeping my head above water with my classes and homework. I felt like no one cared. I felt stupid because I didn’t understand certain material the teachers were talking about. I was having a really miserable day and even got “written up” because I didn’t take out the trash in my dorm room. That really got me—getting written up for something as dumb as not emptying a half-empty trash can because I was worried about more important things like the two quizzes I was getting ready to face or the strict supervisor I was getting ready to go work for at 6:45 in the morning. I’m not bitter about the trash thing at all, can you tell? After the majority of that epically miserable day was over, I was forced to attend chapel. Now granted, as a Christian I should want to go learn more about my Savior, but here it’s so different. Back home I know the preacher is very sincere in his message, and I really feel like I’m singing to God with all of my heart during worship. Here it kinda feels like a production, and the only music we sing and are allowed to listen to are hymns. But I think that it is good for me…at least right now. The past several months I really have depended on my church, my Christian friends, and the fellowship we have together to motivate me or draw me closer to God. I don’t have that here, I just have a raw relationship…it’s me, God, and nothing else but my desire to know my Savior that keeps me close to him. I was broken last night, and drew close to God for comfort only because I know I wouldn’t be able to find it anywhere else. I cried out to him when I needed someone to be there, and he was ever-faithful and allowed me to sleep with a peace like no other and forget about the ridiculously horrible day. Last night before bed I read Isaiah 26:3-4 that says, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”

I got up this morning praying things would go better than yesterday. I got up at 5:45, got all my stuff together, and went to work. In the mornings I clean a lobby and the entrance outside, so I work by myself. We are not supposed to sing while we work, but I didn’t care today. I belted out the tunes, singing real songs that praise my Savior and not dumb hymns that mean nothing to me as I worked my butt off. I had fun, and after I clocked out my super strict supervisor complimented my work and said I have been doing a great job. It was really nice to hear, because I really thought she didn’t like me, or at least didn’t appreciate all the effort I put into my job. I had two classes and chapel today, and those all went ok. This whole afternoon I have been trying to work on homework and finish all my reading assignments, but it hasn’t gone so well. I’m just having a really hard time understanding things and grasping concepts, so I’m hoping to work on that over the next couple of days because I have my first test on Monday.

Please continue praying for me guys…I would really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this, hopefully as times progresses I will be able to write more often. God bless :)

Wow College is Hard

Wow College is hard. I really don’t have a clue about what is going on, and I don’t really know what to do next. There is no easy button, and no one really to give you advice on anything unless you can find an upperclassman that knows everything and is willing to help you out. I didn’t expect it to be this tough, I really didn’t. I don’t understand how I can work, get all my classes set up, and do everything I need to do to make everyone happy. I don’t want you to misunderstand me—I am having a great time, I’m just a little lost. Tomorrow is going to be extremely tough for me….I have my first day of work in the morning, I have to take a couple of placement tests, meet with my advisor, register for classes, go to the first meeting with all the students for the year , and go back to work again tomorrow evening. It will be a very long day, so if you could be praying for me I would appreciate it so much!

Besides all the stresses of things going on, I have had a great time. I have a really amazing friend named Nicole, God totally set us up together for a purpose. I t was so random how we met, but we are so much alike and have been a big blessing to each other the past two days. She is in the room across the hall, but I have a feeling we will be together more than me and my roommates. Speaking of the roommate situation, it has been quite interesting. I only have one right now, and she is a very amusing person. She is extremely nice, but we are exact opposites and didn’t off to the greatest start. Her name is Jinn, she is Korean, and she screamed at me the first time she saw me in the room. We’ll have to see what happens in the future with our relationship, haha. We are still waiting on the arrival of our other two roommates, who will be here by tomorrow night. I hope they are chill and we get along ok, I really need some more friends to hang out with…or at least I feel like I do because I’ve only talked to a couple of people since I’ve been here.

I am on the 7th floor of my building, and the elevators haven’t been working very well since I got here. Needless to say, I have walked up and down those flights of stairs SEVERAL times…ugghhh. I thought I would get fat coming to college, but it looks like I may lose a few pounds…or twenty.

Other than that I have a squeaky bed, a bathroom to share with 7 other girls, and more things to do than I could even fit into an entire lifetime. God is good, college is hard, and Psalms 37:3-5 is a passage of scripture I need to read every day to keep me going. “Trust in the Lord and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. COMMIT THY WAY UNTO THE LORD; TRUST ALSO IN HIM AND HE SHALL BRING IT TO PASS.”

I need to look at every day as an opportunity to serve God… to glorify him by casting all my cares on him…I need to let go and let God lead as I enter this critical stage of my life. I may not like how things turn out, but God has a purpose and a plan for everything…I just need to remember that.

9-3-09

Bye

So saying goodbye is tough...definitely not my favorite thing to do. I'm sure tomorrow will contain many tearful goodbyes to amazing friends and family as well. My bible verse for the day? Ecclesiastes 4:9-12 "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm; but how can one be warm alone? Though one may be overpowered by another, two can withstand him. And a threefold cord is not quickly broken." Let's not forget to encourage and strengthen one another guys. I know right now I could definitely use your prayers as I prepare to leave for school. Just pray that I would make friends that would help me grow, that I would keep a great attitude, that God would use me, and that I wouldn't let anything hold me back--especially nerves. I appreciate everyone who has helped me, I really appreciate the prayers and the encouragement. Thanks guys!

718.1 Miles

Tonight it is beautiful outside...it's about 60 degrees, crickets chirping, and the sky is a beaming black blanket of velvet with many beautiful stars shining so very far away. I'm sitting out here in the middle of the night curled up in a blanket with my beautiful laptop that despises me, trying to write down my thoughts of this amazing day. It was amazing, and I've been living the pre-college/post-high school grad life very well. I stay up all night, sleep all morning, eat whatever I can find in my parents kitchen, don't have a schedule, and I can pretty much do what I want all the time. It's fabulous!
One thing that's not so fabulous is all the good-byes I've had to say over the past week because I leave for school on Friday. I never realized how hard it is to say bye to someone you see all the time and to understand that you won't see them again till Christmas...it's alot tougher than I thought it would be. I also found out how far away I will be...718.1 really long miles! I've kinda been freaking out this week knowing I will be that far away, on my own, with complete strangers, actual teachers who give out real assignments, and I will just have to deal with life. I've heard that college will be the best time of my life, but it will also be the hardest. I'm sure I'm going to be the girl who sits on the floor in the bathroom in the middle of the night crying because someone said something that reminded me of my family--or something dumb like that. But I think I am ok with that. I need to be on my own for awhile and do my own thing, and I think it will be great as long as keep my focus on God and my relationship with him. Don't get me wrong...as much as I am freaking out about college I am excited too! And tonight as I am sitting here I am filled with an incredible peace that I know is the Spirit...something I've only felt once this week besides now. I've let the craziness of the pre-college drama rule my life in a way, so I'm trying to get my focus back on letting God do want he wants with me. I know he will be there, when I am sitting in the college bathroom crying my eyes out like a baby because I am lonely. He will be there while I am studying for a test, or whatever the college kids are doing nowadays. He will be there when I am sick and don't have my sisters to complain to. HE WILL BE THERE NO MATTER WHAT, and I'm kind of excited for all these horrible experiences to take place so I can depend on my Savior even more...I know that sounds weird, but it's true. 2 Corinthians 9:8 says, "And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work." God will work it all out for me, as long as I do everything to his glory and let him be in control....I know he will do amazing things in my life in Florida.
And the only reason I can leave everyone I love and care about to go 718.1 really long miles away is this: Deuteronomy 31:6 "...the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

The Best Night This Dairy-Fairy Ever Had.

Tonight was my last night at DQ, and I must say I am so happy it is over! Yes I practiced my amazing work ethic, made a few bucks and a couple of friends....but I also made a difference--I know that for a fact. I shattered the image of "a Christian" for many of my coworkers who had given Christians a bad rap in the past. So I'm very happy with how everything ended. It was a great ride.


So with it being my last night at work, I was very happy and had alot of fun with my customers...just talking to them, smiling and joking. I went on my break, sat down with my food, and thanked my heavenly Father for the wonderful opportunities he has given me. I sat there contently eating my chicken and watching the sun set on my last day of work, so very grateful for my wonderful life. Suddenly a woman sitting at the table across from me comes over and says, "You are such a nice person. God bless you!" Wow, how cool is that? God always puts the right people in my life at the best time. As she walked alway, we both nodded and smiled, knowing that we had run into a sister in Christ. I don't know if it was my attitude or what, but she could tell. That totally made my night--that random stranger giving me words of encouragement to help me through that shift.
My night got even better. I had a couple that I totally connected with and I was having a great time talking to them. I told them about how I was moving to Florida, and the husband proceeded to tell me that I was going to Pensacola. He told me that a good family friend just graduated from there and that it was a great school. Again, God never ceases to amaze me with the people he puts in my life to encourage me!
I also ran into a woman I used to babysit for...I don't think I've seen her in about 3 years. I loved her and her kids, and it was so random how she happend to come to this particular DQ on my last night. We weren't too busy, so we were able to talk for a couple of minutes and catch up. It was great!


So...Fabulous night. God showed me that I still matter; he hasn't forgotten about me yet. My verse for the day? I think I am going to go with Philippians 4:19. "And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

Living One Moment and Dying The Next.

The other day I decided I wanted to donate blood. It's on my list of things I want to do before I die, so I thought I would go ahead and check it off of the bucket list. I wasn't nervous, and I actually had a great time getting stuck with the biggest needle I have ever seen aimed at my body. I'm sure that has something to do with my future profession, though I might need an unbiased person to verify that last statement. As I was sitting there, losing what kind of felt like all my blood, I was thinking about the person who will one day receive it. What are they like? Why will they need this blood? Do they know about the blood that was shed 2,000 years ago just for them? Does this person like Elvis Presley? I wonder if they like the color red? I mean, what would you be thinking about as you're bleeding into a tube that's connected to a plastic bag that will one day be going into another person's body? Intense, I know. The concept is so simple: Bleed a little and save a life. I just had to show up, sit there, and the techs did the rest of the work. It was so amazing to think that the little effort I put into this endeavor will eventually have a big impact on someone's life later on—maybe even whether they live or die. So theoretically…I saved a life.

I was gone most of the evening, and when I got home later that night Jackie told me that Joe (my pet bunny that I talked about in the previous blog post) died. I was absolutely crushed. I couldn't understand why. I had put so much effort into his well being and I took excellent care of him. I was very disturbed by his death, and I began questioning God again, like I always do. Why Joe? Why do I care about this stupid bunny so much? Why does this matter? And God, being the awesome God He is, reminded me so very nicely of the lesson I wonder if I will ever learn. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." God knows what He was doing, and I need to trust that He's got it covered—and He doesn't need my help. Death puts me in my place and helps me realize that I have absolutely no control over what happens…ultimately, God decides how the cookie crumbles, or when the bunny dies, whichever you prefer. I know Joe wasn't a person, but he meant a lot to me….and he died.

So what am I trying to get at with this blog post? Basically, you go from one extreme to the other; my day started out with giving someone life and ended with death of something I cared about. To me that's pretty crazy. It's like the warning on a hair dryer: Do not operate while in the shower—it's just ridiculous. God's timing and his purpose are not ridiculous though, and it says so in
Ecclesiastes
chapter
3
verses
1
and
11. "To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven. He hath made everything beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end."
To sum it all up, God is so awesome that my puny little brain can't even begin to understand why he does things the way he does. And my very last verse for the day is
Ecclesiastes 3:2, "A time to be born, and a time to die…."

Mohawk Joe is my child.

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Hey guys! I know I haven’t written in a couple of days, I’ve been really busy with work and my new “pet”, Mohawk Joe! A bunny had babies in my neighbor’s backyard about a week ago, and I would go over there every day to check on them. There were four babies in the nest, but after about six days three of them died. I’m pretty sure the Mom abandoned the nest, so I took the remaining bunny with the hopes of rehabilitating him so I could release him because my Dad doesn’t want a bunny as a pet—he’s lame. So I have been talking care of this bunny (with the help of my sister Jackie) for two days now. He’s been doing alot better (I think? I’m really hoping he doesn’t randomly croak on me) and I know it will be hard to let him go because I love him so much.

All this “deep thinking” about how I am going to let this baby go after I have put so much time and love into it helps me understand how God can love the people who continually reject Him and are going to hell. How He can love Christians who don’t always give Him their all, who serve Him half-heartedly. I have been one of those before, and some days I still am. But I am so thankful to know that no matter what I do God still loves me unconditionally…at His own expense. We do nothing to earn His love, therefore when we stray away from Him we don’t always feel like we are losing anything---but we are guys! How can I not serve my Savior with my whole life? Why do I have such a hard time surrendering everything to Him? Because I’m human…and I mess up, I make mistakes. But God knows that, after all he created me. Galatians 3:26 says, “For ye are all the children of God by faith in Christ Jesus,”. I am so blessed to be a child of God, and I am so ecstatic to know that my Heavenly Father loves me…kind of like how I love Mohawk Joe.

Totally legit way to spend a Saturday afternoon :)

 

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Today was the family reunion, something I was both looking forward to and dreading.  It kind of surprised me by not being so bad, in fact I actually had a great time!  There was good food, pretty descent company, and lots to do.  The weather wasn’t very cooperative, but we didn’t let that rain on our parade.  They had a skate park really close that I went to and chilled at for a bit, so that was really cool considering I never get to do that kind of stuff at home.  I would say it was a perfect day…almost.  I broke my sister’s camera, and I almost broke my pelvic bone.  It was really slick out and I was skating out of the skate park with her camera in my hand, when all of a sudden the board slid out sideways hurtling me to the ground.  The only thing I landed on was the side of my pelvis, and when I first hit the ground I couldn't breathe.  It was horrible.  I must have jolted the camera enough so that it will never work again, and I really thought I would never be able to walk (or breathe) again!  That part of my day was not so great.  But I’m learning to be content no matter what.  Learning is the keyword there ;)

An Ear is An Essential Part Of The Body

So tonight was such a long night at work, and I really just wanted to go home and leave the bad night behind me. But, me being the "nice" person I am, stayed to help one of my friends finish cleaning and stocking. As we were working, he started talking to me about how he is excited to start his new job (as an EMT) and about some of the intense challenges he has faced the past couple of weeks. He used to smoke pot, but since he passed his exam he knew he couldn't be around that kind of stuff anymore. One of his friends tried to smoke it in his car this week, and he told her that he couldn't and that he wasn't even going to be around it. His friend had to walk home. As he was telling me this, I was so proud of him! He was angry with his friend for the position she had put him in, and even though he made the right choice, he was still upset that it happened and needed to talk to someone about it. I was honored to be that someone. I told him I would rather have him talk to me about how bad things are going than for him to go out and start using again...and the cool thing was he agreed with me.

As I was walking out of the building, I saw another coworker sitting outside smoking a cigarette and waiting on his ride. As soon as I smelled it I wanted to just get in my truck and leave, but for some reason God led me to sit down 4 inches away from this kid...just to listen to him. He's had it pretty rough...19 years old, a senior in high school who has to go to night school in order to graduate this year, he used to do drugs, he said he was fat as a kid (that one made me laugh), he struggles with ADD, and alot of other stuff. But the thing that really got me was that he said he had stopped going to church recently because he was sick of the hypocrisy. He went to the church that I used to go to, so I was totally able to relate to what he was talking about. He said that the minute he walked through those doors, he was stared down and judged by everyone, and he was sick of all the hypocritical people who said that "everyone is accepted". Now granted this kid is a little different--he has a couple of tattoos, his ears are gaged and rather large, he has a hook going through his septum, and you never know what kind of language is going to fly out of his mouth. But he loves Jesus. End point. He continued to talk for awhile, I really don't know how long we sat out there on this curb with him turning his lungs probably blacker than the pavement in front of us. He mentioned that he was glad there was people like me in the world...I was a little taken back by this statement. I asked him what he meant and he said, "You're a Christian who doesn't judge someone based on looks Jess--you give everyone a chance no matter how bad they might seem to everyone else. You are willing to sit down and have a conversation with anyone no matter what." Wow. I was dumbfounded and extremely convicted in a powerful way. Of course I judge people! That is something I struggle with on a daily basis! And here is this kid--a brother in Christ-- pouring his heart out to me, probably comparing himself to me, telling me what a great person I am. All I am thinking about at that moment was "I need to encourage him...I need to find a way to tell him how much he is loved and treasured! How do I do this God?" And I finally understood why I was there...why I stayed to help my friend, why I sat down next to this other guy, why I stayed when I could have left like I really wanted to. God wanted me to listen to these kids...that's how he wanted me to help them...he wanted me to shut my mouth and just listen and be there. Being a person in this situation is mind opening, it really is a wonderful opportunity to learn about people and their needs. And I found out that I was doing God's will just by listening, how simple is that? How many opportunities do we miss everyday to show God's love because we don't want to take the time to listen? As I think back on my week I know there were several instances where maybe I could have brightened someone's day or encouraged them just by asking them what's new in their life. Psalm 10:17 says, "You hear, O Lord, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry." The only thing my coworkers needed was someone to lend an ear, and God blessed me with two.

Salt+Light=Sunburned Sodium Chloride?

Well, being 18, one year older than I was yesterday, doesn't feel any different. As I was driving home from youth group the other night though, I was slammed with a thought that made me question my entire existence. What have a done to make a difference in the last seventeen years? I know I've been there for people, and I might have saved someone's life once or twice, but what have I really done to impact others? God wants to use us all for the glory of his will, but many times we are too stubborn or prideful to listen and obey, to be the salt and the light God longs for us to be.
Matthew 5:13-16
says,
"You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven."
I've had these verses memorized my entire life, and I finally took it to heart after 17 years and 365 days. How sad. I've really tried hard to exemplify Christ in my life to others, but there has almost always been an ulterior motive to it. "I want to look good to my bad friends, I want to be different from everyone else, or I just don't want to get in trouble so I'm going to be the Christian kid who never does anything wrong. I want to make everyone think I'm perfect." I don't know if (before this year) I have ever had the right kind of thinking about why I should try to be a good example. I should be good not only because it pleases God but because I want to draw others closer to him through my attitude about life. This is something I need to continue working on…striving to seduce others to know my Savior because of the amazing things he has done for me in my life and he wants to do in theirs. And the only way I can convince them of this is by showing them, by the way I live my life and treat others around me—they have to be able to see something different in me to make them want to know why I live my life that way. Let's face it; the world is a horrible place, full of corruption and wickedness. So why is it so hard for us to step out and be different? For me really it is because of laziness and selfishness, a fact that I claim to hate yet really do nothing to change. Something else I also hate. I am so horrible when it comes to stepping out of my comfort zone and actually going out of my way to show I am a Christian. I want to be genuine about it; some Christians are so fake it drives me nuts! So how can we separate just making ourselves look good between only using the good behavior to glorify God and witness to others? I think it all starts with prayer. Something I learned in Mexico is that we pray not only to get God's attention but also to focus ourselves and to involve God in our lives. If Christ is the foundation of anything we want to accomplish, he will see that it happens according to his will. So therefore according to this theory, if we pray that God would be the center of our lives and shine through us, I don't see why he wouldn't. So how do we become the salt and light God has ordained us to be? In
2 Corinthians 3:18
Paul says,
"And we, who with unveiled faces, all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
Every day God is making us look more like him, but it's easier for this to happen if we pray about it and use the opportunities we are given. We need to pray that God would govern our lives and then we need to act upon it—whatever God is calling us to do we need to do it with the right attitude….plain and simple. This is something I also struggle with (what don't I struggle with?) and need to continue praying about. Praying that God would completely rule over my life, that I would be attuned to the Spirit and willing to follow him and that I would be a light in the darkness and glorify him no matter what. He will do the rest.

Watch. Pray. Learn. Grow.

My Inadequacies…My Hell.

Sometimes I wonder how God, the most powerful omniscient being in the entire universe, can love someone like me. It literally makes me sick and rips my stomach to shreds to know how much he loves me and to know that I've done nothing worthy of his love. It makes me cringe to know that I am so undeserving of his love, and he still offers it to me unconditionally. I can't stand the fact that he loves me. What have I done to deserve it? Absolutely nothing. I am a wretch that is saved by his grace only, certainly by nothing of my own doing. And it torments me every day.

God took away something so important in my life a year and a half ago, and it almost killed me. I cursed his name, turned my back on him, and despised him to the point of hating him. He had to break me to get my attention, and the very thought of that infuriates me. How could I be so blind not to see what God was trying to do? But I didn't care, at least at first. I was so deep in ignorance and grief that nothing mattered anymore, and I didn't care about anyone but myself. After awhile I learned to get over it, but I built a wall that I wasn't going to let anyone get over, even God himself. I tried to make myself happy with money, family, friends, Bible Bowl, and Christianity, but I didn't understand what was really important in life. I was living in a false reality, and I didn't trust God with my whole heart anymore. I was still on my terms and only let God lead when I felt it was safe, when I knew I wouldn't get hurt. I was living with a lukewarm faith like many Christians, until I went to Mexico this July on a missions trip.

God changed my entire life the minute that plane landed. He sent me on this trip at the perfect time, he knew my heart was finally ready. He moved in my soul and stretched me in ways I would never have thought. I saw God in Mexico, I felt him closer to me than I have ever before. I actually listened to God for the first time in my life, and it was the sweetest voice I have ever heard. I saw the seemingly hopeless lives of people who had nothing but their Savior to rely on, and God used these people and challenged me to live differently--to live life with a passion and be happy no matter what the circumstance. To live boldly and completely rely on him and trust his perfect timing. To know that everything will glorify God and that he will take care of his people. Jehovah-Jirah, the Lord will provide. They had nothing, except God, and yet they lived life completely overflowing with love and a willingness to give whatever they had. I was the lucky one, right? I eat way too much, have a nice truck, and a tv with 150 channels but nothing worth watching, I've been blessed by God, right? And since God gave me all these wonderful things I should have a wonderful relationship with him, better than these people who have nothing, right? I don't have to live in a dump, and I've never done anything bad enough to put me in prison. My parents didn't abandon me when I was a baby and stick me in an orphanage, and I have never done drugs in my life. I'm free to do what I want and have what I want, so that makes me lucky? WRONG! They had no distractions to stand in the way of their God, and he met them at the lowest points in their lives...maybe that's why they worshiped him with every fiber in their bodies, with a passion that would melt your heart and put a lump in your throat if you saw it because he rescued them when no one else had the power to do so. They longed for God and it was so obvious that that he was showing himself to them every day. I would rather be like them and have NOTHING and worship my Savior in that way than to continue living with such a passive faith--no way can I live like that anymore. I never thought of my God as Holy until this trip. I am now in AWE of my Savior and the marvelous works of his hands and the ways he showed himself to me--through the innocence of a sweet child who understood spiritual warfare, the sunset on a lighthouse, the unity of strangers working together with one goal in mind, the look in an old man's tearful eyes when he realized he needed Jesus, the courage to admit to struggles publicly and the freedom that comes with it, the promise of a rainbow on the beach, the comforting power of prayer, the ability to worship with my everything and to hold nothing back--these are just a few of the ways I experienced God on this trip. It was the most powerful event of my life.

I didn't want to come home, I wanted to stay in Mexico forever. I was in a daze for a couple of days, just shocked and having a hard time adjusting back to "my spoiled, normal life" with daily showers. After I finally woke up I swore I would be different, that I would continue to make changes every day and walk with the Spirit continually. But right now I feel so INADEQUATE...I know the only thing I can do is continue praying for wisdom and guidance, but I feel like there is something more I need to be doing. Maybe those of you who went on the trip can relate to this note in some way...if so cool, that means I didn't stay up all night writing it twice for nothing. If you didn't go on this trip you should have, because it was legitimate. :)