Struggling Through Mud-like Conditions.

So I have been struggling with some deep and heavy stuff the past week...since I've been home. I had this really weird feeling for a couple of days, and I couldn't figure it out at first. I knew that things would be different when I came back, just because I had been gone for so long, but there was still something else that wasn't quite right. Sunday during church at CCF I finally realized what it was. It hurt so badly that I took that thought and shoved it to the back of my head, but it kept flooding into my mind all that day. I came to the realization that I don't belong here...and even I'm not quite sure what that means, so don't go around asking me. I know that I was lacking peace, and that is one of the most horrible feelings a person can have. I spent all day trying to figure out why, all day questioning God and trying to come up with my own answers. Either I really don't belong here and God is making that perfectly clear, or, he has taken away the one thing I was looking forward to the most (being home, and the feeling inside of knowing that you are wanted and needed, and that you belong) so that I would find my satisfaction in him alone. The more I thought about this, the more I concluded that I don't always find my satisfaction in God; I look to the things of this world, to people, and the situations I find myself in to determine if things are ok. It is so hard for me to admit that; I fail constantly in regard to relying on God and allowing myself to be fully satisfied with only him. After I thought about all of this, and about the things going on, I became very upset; I had no clue what to do. But today I had a revelation where I was able to put together everything that everyone was telling me, and all that God has been showing me through his word. God has a great purpose for my life, and while I may be completely clueless about all that is going on, all he calls me to do is be faithful. He will take care of the details along the way, and THAT is what gives me the peace that I have at this moment. My God is so powerful, and he is working through every situation in my life. I need to prepare myself everyday by asking God to satisfy me, and I need to be ready to follow his calling. It's your move God; mold my heart, keep me flexible, empty me, and draw me closer to you...I think I'm ready.

Freshman Year Is/In A Nutshell.

Well, it's time to catch everyone up on the things going on in my life again. I have successfully completed my freshman year at Pensacola Christian College, and I cannot believe that it is over already! I mean, I know people say it goes fast, but I wasn't expecting it to go by that quickly! I have not received my grades back from this semester yet, but I can tell you with full confidence that I passed all my classes and made the Dean's List. Last Monday I found out that I was accepted into the Nursing Program, and I am thrilled to death that I start my clinical rotation next semester along with some hardcore nursing classes! All the glory goes to God, because without his strength I could not get through all those tough days, and without his grace I would have failed at everything I tried to do through my own power. God got me through it all, and I am thankful that I have such a faithful and loving Savior.

I learned a great deal of head knowledge this year, and while that is wonderful and essential to the successful college student, I can honestly say that this was not the most important area of my life that improved my freshman year. I went into this 9 months ago just trying to escape from everything going on, and I really didn't know what God wanted me to learn from this experience/time of personal development. I expected to learn and grow in my field of study, but I wasn't planning on all the spiritual and personal growth I have gone through, especially over the last semester. God stretched me in so many ways, and it is so hard to explain exactly what happened to me while I was at school. The easiest way to say it is that I changed, and that I am not the same person who left last September. I struggled every day with many different things, and yeah, sometimes I failed in the biggest ways possible; but God has helped me conquer a lot of my issues I have struggled with, and I know that through his power I can do all things. This doesn't mean that I am going to be the perfect person and always do everything right, but I now know that when I fail, God's grace covers it and I get another day to try harder to succeed for his glory. This is what motivates me to get up every morning and arm myself with God's word, and to spend time talking to my Savior and asking for his help….both habits that I acquired this semester and never want to give up. He used one of my roommates to sorta keep me accountable, and she taught me so many things and kept me focused on what was important; I am very grateful for the godly influence she had on my life, and I will never be able to thank her enough.

Another thing I am thankful for that God blessed me with at school were my friends, roommates, fake roommates, classmates, hall mates, and everyone else he put in my life who encouraged me and strengthened me. There were days where I didn't know if I was going to make it, but all these people helped me get through it. I grew extremely close to two of my roommates, and every night we would pray together. Our prayers consisted of issues going on in our lives, our friends (this list became quite long by the end of the semester), and any crazy little thing we felt like bringing before God together. These two roommates became some of the closest friends I have ever known; I am already missing them a great deal. Next semester I am going to be roommates with one of them again, and I feel bad for whoever else is stuck in the room with us! I heard that sophomore nursing majors go crazy during fall semester, and we will both be losing it as we study for our many difficult classes next fall.

So in a nutshell, that has been my life for the last four months. I've gone to parties, lived at the beach, almost passed out during speech class, contemplated jumping out of a window, ate many pizzas, cried/laughed so hard I thought I was going to die, stood up for myself, cleaned (a lot!), became a penniless popper, and made many great memories that I will never forget. God has taught me so many great lessons, and has allowed me to grow in many wonderful ways. Cheers to the next 6 semesters of gaining knowledge and wisdom (Lord willing!). Proverbs 24: 3-6 says, "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory."