My Inadequacies…My Hell.

Sometimes I wonder how God, the most powerful omniscient being in the entire universe, can love someone like me. It literally makes me sick and rips my stomach to shreds to know how much he loves me and to know that I've done nothing worthy of his love. It makes me cringe to know that I am so undeserving of his love, and he still offers it to me unconditionally. I can't stand the fact that he loves me. What have I done to deserve it? Absolutely nothing. I am a wretch that is saved by his grace only, certainly by nothing of my own doing. And it torments me every day.

God took away something so important in my life a year and a half ago, and it almost killed me. I cursed his name, turned my back on him, and despised him to the point of hating him. He had to break me to get my attention, and the very thought of that infuriates me. How could I be so blind not to see what God was trying to do? But I didn't care, at least at first. I was so deep in ignorance and grief that nothing mattered anymore, and I didn't care about anyone but myself. After awhile I learned to get over it, but I built a wall that I wasn't going to let anyone get over, even God himself. I tried to make myself happy with money, family, friends, Bible Bowl, and Christianity, but I didn't understand what was really important in life. I was living in a false reality, and I didn't trust God with my whole heart anymore. I was still on my terms and only let God lead when I felt it was safe, when I knew I wouldn't get hurt. I was living with a lukewarm faith like many Christians, until I went to Mexico this July on a missions trip.

God changed my entire life the minute that plane landed. He sent me on this trip at the perfect time, he knew my heart was finally ready. He moved in my soul and stretched me in ways I would never have thought. I saw God in Mexico, I felt him closer to me than I have ever before. I actually listened to God for the first time in my life, and it was the sweetest voice I have ever heard. I saw the seemingly hopeless lives of people who had nothing but their Savior to rely on, and God used these people and challenged me to live differently--to live life with a passion and be happy no matter what the circumstance. To live boldly and completely rely on him and trust his perfect timing. To know that everything will glorify God and that he will take care of his people. Jehovah-Jirah, the Lord will provide. They had nothing, except God, and yet they lived life completely overflowing with love and a willingness to give whatever they had. I was the lucky one, right? I eat way too much, have a nice truck, and a tv with 150 channels but nothing worth watching, I've been blessed by God, right? And since God gave me all these wonderful things I should have a wonderful relationship with him, better than these people who have nothing, right? I don't have to live in a dump, and I've never done anything bad enough to put me in prison. My parents didn't abandon me when I was a baby and stick me in an orphanage, and I have never done drugs in my life. I'm free to do what I want and have what I want, so that makes me lucky? WRONG! They had no distractions to stand in the way of their God, and he met them at the lowest points in their lives...maybe that's why they worshiped him with every fiber in their bodies, with a passion that would melt your heart and put a lump in your throat if you saw it because he rescued them when no one else had the power to do so. They longed for God and it was so obvious that that he was showing himself to them every day. I would rather be like them and have NOTHING and worship my Savior in that way than to continue living with such a passive faith--no way can I live like that anymore. I never thought of my God as Holy until this trip. I am now in AWE of my Savior and the marvelous works of his hands and the ways he showed himself to me--through the innocence of a sweet child who understood spiritual warfare, the sunset on a lighthouse, the unity of strangers working together with one goal in mind, the look in an old man's tearful eyes when he realized he needed Jesus, the courage to admit to struggles publicly and the freedom that comes with it, the promise of a rainbow on the beach, the comforting power of prayer, the ability to worship with my everything and to hold nothing back--these are just a few of the ways I experienced God on this trip. It was the most powerful event of my life.

I didn't want to come home, I wanted to stay in Mexico forever. I was in a daze for a couple of days, just shocked and having a hard time adjusting back to "my spoiled, normal life" with daily showers. After I finally woke up I swore I would be different, that I would continue to make changes every day and walk with the Spirit continually. But right now I feel so INADEQUATE...I know the only thing I can do is continue praying for wisdom and guidance, but I feel like there is something more I need to be doing. Maybe those of you who went on the trip can relate to this note in some way...if so cool, that means I didn't stay up all night writing it twice for nothing. If you didn't go on this trip you should have, because it was legitimate. :)