California After All

This summer I am living with my relations in California. I couldn't find a good job at home, and my Aunt had been talking about make possibly coming out here to help with the kids and stuff. God just worked everything out; I've been here for 25 days and I love it! My family is great, the weather is perfect, the mountains and ocean are beautiful, I love my cousins, and I think this is quite possibly one of the best summers of my life! I've done so many crazy things: learned how to ride a motorcycle, got a California drivers license and a motorcyle endorsement, ate a fish taco (and didn't like it), gone running in the mountains, found a new church that I really like, driven on roads that make me feel like a racecar driver, held a dragon/lizzard, gave an almost-stranger my number, kept major commitments to myself, and have just been living it up. The atmosphere out here on the West Coast is so great...I definitely want to live out here one day. My sister has been out here for a week, and she has been a great help and so much fun. I will miss her when she leaves next Wednesday.

I am so thankful for all the opportunities I have been blessed with the past couple of weeks. I am one of the luckiest kids on the face of the plannet, that's for sure. Every day is a new adventure, and I know the rest of my summer is going to be wonderful....just absolutely wonderful; it's California after all :)

Struggling Through Mud-like Conditions.

So I have been struggling with some deep and heavy stuff the past week...since I've been home. I had this really weird feeling for a couple of days, and I couldn't figure it out at first. I knew that things would be different when I came back, just because I had been gone for so long, but there was still something else that wasn't quite right. Sunday during church at CCF I finally realized what it was. It hurt so badly that I took that thought and shoved it to the back of my head, but it kept flooding into my mind all that day. I came to the realization that I don't belong here...and even I'm not quite sure what that means, so don't go around asking me. I know that I was lacking peace, and that is one of the most horrible feelings a person can have. I spent all day trying to figure out why, all day questioning God and trying to come up with my own answers. Either I really don't belong here and God is making that perfectly clear, or, he has taken away the one thing I was looking forward to the most (being home, and the feeling inside of knowing that you are wanted and needed, and that you belong) so that I would find my satisfaction in him alone. The more I thought about this, the more I concluded that I don't always find my satisfaction in God; I look to the things of this world, to people, and the situations I find myself in to determine if things are ok. It is so hard for me to admit that; I fail constantly in regard to relying on God and allowing myself to be fully satisfied with only him. After I thought about all of this, and about the things going on, I became very upset; I had no clue what to do. But today I had a revelation where I was able to put together everything that everyone was telling me, and all that God has been showing me through his word. God has a great purpose for my life, and while I may be completely clueless about all that is going on, all he calls me to do is be faithful. He will take care of the details along the way, and THAT is what gives me the peace that I have at this moment. My God is so powerful, and he is working through every situation in my life. I need to prepare myself everyday by asking God to satisfy me, and I need to be ready to follow his calling. It's your move God; mold my heart, keep me flexible, empty me, and draw me closer to you...I think I'm ready.

Freshman Year Is/In A Nutshell.

Well, it's time to catch everyone up on the things going on in my life again. I have successfully completed my freshman year at Pensacola Christian College, and I cannot believe that it is over already! I mean, I know people say it goes fast, but I wasn't expecting it to go by that quickly! I have not received my grades back from this semester yet, but I can tell you with full confidence that I passed all my classes and made the Dean's List. Last Monday I found out that I was accepted into the Nursing Program, and I am thrilled to death that I start my clinical rotation next semester along with some hardcore nursing classes! All the glory goes to God, because without his strength I could not get through all those tough days, and without his grace I would have failed at everything I tried to do through my own power. God got me through it all, and I am thankful that I have such a faithful and loving Savior.

I learned a great deal of head knowledge this year, and while that is wonderful and essential to the successful college student, I can honestly say that this was not the most important area of my life that improved my freshman year. I went into this 9 months ago just trying to escape from everything going on, and I really didn't know what God wanted me to learn from this experience/time of personal development. I expected to learn and grow in my field of study, but I wasn't planning on all the spiritual and personal growth I have gone through, especially over the last semester. God stretched me in so many ways, and it is so hard to explain exactly what happened to me while I was at school. The easiest way to say it is that I changed, and that I am not the same person who left last September. I struggled every day with many different things, and yeah, sometimes I failed in the biggest ways possible; but God has helped me conquer a lot of my issues I have struggled with, and I know that through his power I can do all things. This doesn't mean that I am going to be the perfect person and always do everything right, but I now know that when I fail, God's grace covers it and I get another day to try harder to succeed for his glory. This is what motivates me to get up every morning and arm myself with God's word, and to spend time talking to my Savior and asking for his help….both habits that I acquired this semester and never want to give up. He used one of my roommates to sorta keep me accountable, and she taught me so many things and kept me focused on what was important; I am very grateful for the godly influence she had on my life, and I will never be able to thank her enough.

Another thing I am thankful for that God blessed me with at school were my friends, roommates, fake roommates, classmates, hall mates, and everyone else he put in my life who encouraged me and strengthened me. There were days where I didn't know if I was going to make it, but all these people helped me get through it. I grew extremely close to two of my roommates, and every night we would pray together. Our prayers consisted of issues going on in our lives, our friends (this list became quite long by the end of the semester), and any crazy little thing we felt like bringing before God together. These two roommates became some of the closest friends I have ever known; I am already missing them a great deal. Next semester I am going to be roommates with one of them again, and I feel bad for whoever else is stuck in the room with us! I heard that sophomore nursing majors go crazy during fall semester, and we will both be losing it as we study for our many difficult classes next fall.

So in a nutshell, that has been my life for the last four months. I've gone to parties, lived at the beach, almost passed out during speech class, contemplated jumping out of a window, ate many pizzas, cried/laughed so hard I thought I was going to die, stood up for myself, cleaned (a lot!), became a penniless popper, and made many great memories that I will never forget. God has taught me so many great lessons, and has allowed me to grow in many wonderful ways. Cheers to the next 6 semesters of gaining knowledge and wisdom (Lord willing!). Proverbs 24: 3-6 says, "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory."

4 Months in 20 minutes.

Wow, where to begin? I guess I will just start where the last post left off and catch you up as much as I can. The first month and a half of school was super tough. I had a hard time with balancing everything I needed to get done, and I had a pretty bad attitude concerning everything. Granted, some of the complaints were merited, but I should have risen above the situations and the trials. God gave me grace and mercy, and he really helped me fall in love with the school the second month I was there. After awhile, the rules weren't so bad, and I started having a really good time. I learned to take everything in stride and to not take things personally, which really helped me get along with most of the people I was around. I was still extremely busy, but because of my wonderful friends and their encouragement, the little things didn't bother me as much. About two weeks before Thanksgiving, my friend Nicole received a call from her Mom that her uncle died. She was torn apart, and as we sat in the stairwell morning the loss of her uncle, I remember thinking that I would completely lose it if one of my uncles died. That Thursday, I received the most unexpected call of my life; my Uncle Steve died. For about the next week, I can't remember anything. I know I went to classes, failed quizzes, and cried myself to sleep every night. I tried my best to keep up with everything as I waited for almost a week to come home, but the whole situation didn't even seem real to me. I was scared to go home, because I knew I would have to finally deal with it all, but I also knew I had to be there for my family as well. I was in Indy for four days, and I hated explaining why I was there and not at school to everyone I came into contact with. I hated the small talk that I had to make with everyone at the funeral about school, the rules there, and Florida weather. It was nice seeing my family and friends, but then I was dreading going back to school. I was so far behind, and it took me almost the rest of the semester to catch up. Friends and the people at school were so great when I came back, helping me in any way they possible could. The last four weeks of school were great! I got to spend Thanksgiving Day in the E.R. with one of my friends (I got demerits for that), we had so many parties on our floor, I broke several rules and had a great time doing so, and I also think I overdosed on caffeine. All in all, I had a great first semester, and I ended it all with a 3.7 GPA (thank you Jesus!). Most importantly though, I made some amazing lifelong friends, I grew up a little bit more, and I gained a great deal of spiritual knowledge and insight. I really didn't want to leave school 5 weeks ago, I just wanted you all to come down and visit me there!

So I've been home for five weeks, and what have I done? I bought a guitar the first week I was home, and I've played it till 3 am almost every morning (Nicole's roommate Lorena taught me how to play). I worked at DQ only twice while I was home, but I went to the hospital to volunteer every Thursday. I went to some Bible Bowl activities, had fun at Christmas, spent time with friends and family, caught up on sleep, and was pretty much a bum for the entire break.

So what's in my future? Well, I am getting on a plane to go back to Pensacola tomorrow afternoon, ready to start my second semester of my freshman year. I am happy and sad, excited and nervous, enthusiastic and depressed…basically any two antonyms you could think of. I am so thankful for this opportunity to go back to PCC and continue my education, I know several friends who cannot come back because of finances or family issues. This semester is going to be more difficult in some ways; the classes will be more complex, the teachers will expect more, I am depending on a loan from my parents to get me through, and the four months will probably feel longer. In other ways it will be easier though; I am not working (praise God!), I know what to expect, and I know I have amazing friends that will make it all the more wonderful! I know that I will have to work very hard, but I am ready for it. I need to put away my pride, and I need to totally rely on God to supply all my needs.

What is the biggest lesson I've learned through all this? Psalms 27:14 says, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." And I am sure He is going to give me many opportunities this semester to put that verse into practice ;)

Christ in Me

We had our first official Pre-nursing student meeting last night where the dean of nursing told us what we needed to do to get into the program. Each year they accept 125 students into their program, and she said that this year there will probably be about 190 eligible students who will have high enough grades to make it. That means they will turn down 65 people, with high enough grades to get in, and it freaked me out a little. I know I’m smart and I have been working hard, but on days like last night I wonder if I’m good enough to make it…it’s just a though that has been lingering in the back of my mind all night. I know I can’t worry about it anymore, and I know I just need to forget about it and give it over to God, but that’s so hard for me. Trusting in his perfect will is not something that comes easy for me; I like to be in control of my future, and it’s a constant struggle every day. If he wants me to get in, I will. So simple, but I have a hard time accepting that.

In fact, there are a lot of things I am struggling with at college, more than I imagined. I never seem to get enough sleep, have enough time, study enough for everything, and have enough fun. Some days it seems like the day drags by, every painful second feels like centuries to my weary soul. Looking back at the five weeks I have been here though feels like it’s only been a couple of days, if that even makes sense. Sometimes I wonder why I left my simple life and amazing family to come here and pay a lot of my to stress myself out, then I remember that this is where I belong right now. I know I am here because my heart’s desire is to be a nurse, to minister to people through such an important job, and I know I am here at PCC because God has led me to this school and called me to this profession. He is stretching me all the time, encouraging me, disciplining me, and teaching me many lessons that are just making me a stronger person. Every trial and failed attempt at success is making me better, and shaping my heart for all of God’s wonderful plans he has in store for me. He is preparing me for the life he has planned for me, and while it seems so hard right now, I know I will face even more difficult situations involving more complicated problems later on in life. The only thing besides the grace of God that is getting me through the rest of the semester is HOPE. No not my dog, but the hope of making it, the hope of succeeding, the hope of growing into a better person, the hope of my best (together with God’s mercy) being enough to get me through. Colossians 2:27 says, “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Because God lives in us, we have can have hope; because Jesus died for us, we can have hope; because God is so good, we can have hope. There is a song by Tim Hughes called “Everything” that I think is just amazing. The chorus is something like, “Christ in me, Christ in me, Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything. Be my everything.” I want God to be my everything; I want him to him to be the only thing I desire. If I succeed at everything I am setting out to do in college, I will praise him. Even if I fail, I will still praise him. God’s got my back like no other; he knows what is right for me. I am going to give everything my all, and not only HOPE, but also TRUST in my perfect Savior.

Hey guys! I hope this blog post finds you all happy, healthy, and enjoying life. The reason I haven’t written in awhile is because I have been so busy with homework, classes, and work—college is tough stuff. I haven’t even had time to do any of the fun stuff the college has to offer, like the water park or the roller rink. Maybe this weekend I will get a chance to do some of that stuff …or maybe not…Chemistry and Biology are ruling my life.

I have several close friends, and many friend friends who have made classes more interesting, meals more exciting, and dorm life a lot of fun. I am making so many life memories that I will keep with me forever.

Most of the teachers are pretty amazing, even giving students their cell numbers in case we need anything. Classes have been really tough and the teachers have assigned so much homework over the last few days. I’ve been scrambling like mad in order to finish it all on time. I did get a 100% on my first Chem and Bio quiz, so I was pretty happy about that!

God has been so good to me since I’ve been here, he never lets me down. Even in the times where I don’t want to do something, like work or homework, he always gives me enough endurance to finish whatever I’m working on. But it hasn’t been easy; I am struggling a lot. I was really homesick yesterday, and I was really down about everything. It felt like I was barely keeping my head above water with my classes and homework. I felt like no one cared. I felt stupid because I didn’t understand certain material the teachers were talking about. I was having a really miserable day and even got “written up” because I didn’t take out the trash in my dorm room. That really got me—getting written up for something as dumb as not emptying a half-empty trash can because I was worried about more important things like the two quizzes I was getting ready to face or the strict supervisor I was getting ready to go work for at 6:45 in the morning. I’m not bitter about the trash thing at all, can you tell? After the majority of that epically miserable day was over, I was forced to attend chapel. Now granted, as a Christian I should want to go learn more about my Savior, but here it’s so different. Back home I know the preacher is very sincere in his message, and I really feel like I’m singing to God with all of my heart during worship. Here it kinda feels like a production, and the only music we sing and are allowed to listen to are hymns. But I think that it is good for me…at least right now. The past several months I really have depended on my church, my Christian friends, and the fellowship we have together to motivate me or draw me closer to God. I don’t have that here, I just have a raw relationship…it’s me, God, and nothing else but my desire to know my Savior that keeps me close to him. I was broken last night, and drew close to God for comfort only because I know I wouldn’t be able to find it anywhere else. I cried out to him when I needed someone to be there, and he was ever-faithful and allowed me to sleep with a peace like no other and forget about the ridiculously horrible day. Last night before bed I read Isaiah 26:3-4 that says, “You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.”

I got up this morning praying things would go better than yesterday. I got up at 5:45, got all my stuff together, and went to work. In the mornings I clean a lobby and the entrance outside, so I work by myself. We are not supposed to sing while we work, but I didn’t care today. I belted out the tunes, singing real songs that praise my Savior and not dumb hymns that mean nothing to me as I worked my butt off. I had fun, and after I clocked out my super strict supervisor complimented my work and said I have been doing a great job. It was really nice to hear, because I really thought she didn’t like me, or at least didn’t appreciate all the effort I put into my job. I had two classes and chapel today, and those all went ok. This whole afternoon I have been trying to work on homework and finish all my reading assignments, but it hasn’t gone so well. I’m just having a really hard time understanding things and grasping concepts, so I’m hoping to work on that over the next couple of days because I have my first test on Monday.

Please continue praying for me guys…I would really appreciate it. Thanks for taking the time to read this, hopefully as times progresses I will be able to write more often. God bless :)

Wow College is Hard

Wow College is hard. I really don’t have a clue about what is going on, and I don’t really know what to do next. There is no easy button, and no one really to give you advice on anything unless you can find an upperclassman that knows everything and is willing to help you out. I didn’t expect it to be this tough, I really didn’t. I don’t understand how I can work, get all my classes set up, and do everything I need to do to make everyone happy. I don’t want you to misunderstand me—I am having a great time, I’m just a little lost. Tomorrow is going to be extremely tough for me….I have my first day of work in the morning, I have to take a couple of placement tests, meet with my advisor, register for classes, go to the first meeting with all the students for the year , and go back to work again tomorrow evening. It will be a very long day, so if you could be praying for me I would appreciate it so much!

Besides all the stresses of things going on, I have had a great time. I have a really amazing friend named Nicole, God totally set us up together for a purpose. I t was so random how we met, but we are so much alike and have been a big blessing to each other the past two days. She is in the room across the hall, but I have a feeling we will be together more than me and my roommates. Speaking of the roommate situation, it has been quite interesting. I only have one right now, and she is a very amusing person. She is extremely nice, but we are exact opposites and didn’t off to the greatest start. Her name is Jinn, she is Korean, and she screamed at me the first time she saw me in the room. We’ll have to see what happens in the future with our relationship, haha. We are still waiting on the arrival of our other two roommates, who will be here by tomorrow night. I hope they are chill and we get along ok, I really need some more friends to hang out with…or at least I feel like I do because I’ve only talked to a couple of people since I’ve been here.

I am on the 7th floor of my building, and the elevators haven’t been working very well since I got here. Needless to say, I have walked up and down those flights of stairs SEVERAL times…ugghhh. I thought I would get fat coming to college, but it looks like I may lose a few pounds…or twenty.

Other than that I have a squeaky bed, a bathroom to share with 7 other girls, and more things to do than I could even fit into an entire lifetime. God is good, college is hard, and Psalms 37:3-5 is a passage of scripture I need to read every day to keep me going. “Trust in the Lord and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the Lord; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. COMMIT THY WAY UNTO THE LORD; TRUST ALSO IN HIM AND HE SHALL BRING IT TO PASS.”

I need to look at every day as an opportunity to serve God… to glorify him by casting all my cares on him…I need to let go and let God lead as I enter this critical stage of my life. I may not like how things turn out, but God has a purpose and a plan for everything…I just need to remember that.