The Prayer Of A Christian Who Happens To Be A New Nurse

It's been years since I've written anything on this blog. I debated posting this for awhile, but feel called to do so and share my heart. I've grown tremendously over the last several years both personally and professionally. I've experienced God's grace in abundance in my life, and pursued my dreams and ambitions since high school and college. This post is the product of the most recent struggle in my life...understanding and thriving as a Christian nurse (with a sinful nature I battle daily) who is new to the challenging field of healthcare. This post is raw, flawed, and will probably show you how much I fail to live up to my calling on a daily basis. If you are a nurse, you may not hold the same personal beliefs about our profession as I do, and that is okay and I respect you for that. If you work with me, you may tell me that I don't live as gracefully as I aspire to, and that I'm not as loving or kind as the things I write here. I would agree with you whole-heartedly. I am sharing this prayer full of emotions and temptations not to stir up controversy or make it seem like I am a great nurse or that I don't like my job, but to establish accountability with my fellow Christian nurses, to set goals and standards for myself at work, to encourage those new grads struggling like I am that we are in this together, and to remind myself on the hard days when I'm crying in the med room before 8am the eternal perspective on why I chose to be a nurse.

Heavenly Father,

Thank you for giving me the strength and wisdom to complete nursing school. There were days that I never thought I would make it through, but You always provided. I know you have equipped me with the knowledge to be a good nurse, but I need emotional and spiritual equipping also. I need YOU. I am incapable of doing this profession in my own strength. Even on my best day, if You are not with me, I am scared to have the responsibility to care for others. God, there are days where I'm tired, I get frustrated too easily, angry, and offended when I shouldn't. I can be so prideful and self-centered, and sometimes I'm far less compassionate than I'd like to be. These are the days where I need the tug of your Holy Spirit on my heart to remind me of why I am a nurse and who exactly it is that I serve and care for on my shift at the hospital.

Lord I became a nurse because of the calling You gave me to care for the hurting, those suffering from the mental, physical, and emotional anguish caused by this fallen world. When people are experiencing the darkest day of their life, I want to be there with words of hope and compassion from You, a smile to brighten their day, deep understanding to empathize with their situation, and the clinical knowledge to make their life measurably better. I want to be able to hold someone's hand when they are hurting, to be a source of strength for the family dealing with hardships, to do mundane and seemingly unimportant tasks with grace/joy/patience, and to be able to tell my patients that it's all going to be okay.

Lord I also became a nurse to impact people's lives. While that is an incredible privilege, I whave a greater responsibility and a higher calling from You to impact their soul. Every patient entrusted to my care has physical needs that require my professional concern, but their "soul" or spiritual needs should generate my personal concern with a similar urgency. Whether that person's soul is seeking peace for facing death, someone to recognize and affirm their pain and struggle, encouragement to keep fighting, hope for the future, or possibly they have "the greatest need of the human soul--to know and have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, who breathed this universe into existence and unconditionally loves them and is willing to walk through the dark days ahead with them"--that is why I do what I do. I merely desire to be a compass, pointing hurting people and souls to You, the Creator of hope and peace. Many times this ambition is crushed by the chaotic and stressful requirements of my job. Charting so I don't get sued, carrying out doctor's orders, calming down confused patients, passing meds, keeping everyone alive, explaining (or defending) myself to angry and sometimes misinformed family members, and dealing with drug-seeking patients, alarms, unexpected problems, and heavy patient assignments all at once can be challenging. Lord, this is where I struggle and often times stumble in being a representation of You and the love you have for people. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt when patients or their family members complain about the care they are receiving because I didn't silence the alarm fast enough or bring their medications or discharge instructions on time. What they didn't see is the tearful room I just left of a patient diagnosed with terminal cancer, or the med error I caught that could have potentially harmed another patient, or the charting of a patient situation I completed so I wouldn't lose my nursing license--these are the things they don't see and understand Lord. What You are teaching me in this season of life is that it is the angry and ungrateful patients, the ones I am tempted to brush off and get in and out of their room as quickly and painlessly as possible, who need my compassion--Your compassion-- the most. It is hard to love the unloveable, to care for someone when they could care less, and to go beyond the standard of care when I am being manipulated and abused while doing my very best for my patients. I pray for grace and strength when working with such individuals, that I would treat them with respect, sincere concern, and compassion for the situation they are in and the way in which they are acting, even if I feel they don't deserve it. Who am I to judge Lord? I am a sinner saved by grace, and You love that person in the same manner that you love me. I may not like them, but give me the heart of compassion to impact their body and soul for an eternal significance.

Help me Father, to face the challenges ahead with integrity, wisdom, strength, and complete reliance on You. Give me grace when I stumble, forgiveness when I fail, and the courage to continue in this tough field of caring for people. Please align my heart with Yours, and fix my eyes with an eternal perspective of the impact I can make for Your glory as a registered nurse. May I love people deeply, and without return, as an overflow of my great love for You. Please help me to do what the hospital pays me to do, but more importantly, what You have called me to do.

Daily Reminder.

Many things have changed since my last post, and life has become just slightly more complicated and trying. On the 40th day I was here, my Aunt broke her ankle and her foot while we were climbing over a fence after getting locked into the fairgrounds. Since then, she has had many doctor appointments and a surgery to repair her injuries. She is well on her way to a long recovery, and God has blessed her greatly with good health, a good attitude, and a good family to get her through this very tough time. It has been very rough on all of us, but so far we have managed to get through it relatively well. My older sister moved out here a week and a half ago to take my place, because I will be leaving for school soon. I've been showing her the ropes and trying to get her used to the kids schedules and whatnot, but I've also really appreciated having someone to help me out with the kids.

I'll be leaving 2 weeks from tomorrow, and because of that I kind of want to reflect on my time here the past 72 days. Let's start off from the beginning, shall we? When my Aunt first suggested I come out here for the summer, I thought she was slightly crazy. I didn't really see myself coming out here, so I told her that I would think about it. Honestly, I just thought it was an idea that would blow over, and I forgot about it for awhile. It kept coming up, and God kept closing the doors on all the other things I had originally planned for the summer. I prayed very hard about it for a week, then I decided that I was going to live with them this summer and nanny so my Aunt could go back to work. It was a carefully thought out decision, and I began getting excited for this opportunity that had randomly come my way. Finished the semester at school, my family drove down and picked me up, and I got to spend 15 days back home in Indy before leaving for California. During my time home, I spent a good majority of the days getting everything together for nursing school, saying hellos and goodbyes, and preparing myself for the next few months ahead of me. I left Indiana without looking back, and I finally made the trip out here to the true sunshine state on the 29th of May. My first couple of weeks were filled with learning how to deal with the kids, lots of swimming and playing, a motorcycle class, many fun trips out to places, a visit from my little sister, and a great deal of just plain good times. I felt like this was where I belonged; I could always take a break when I needed to, and my Aunt and Uncle were so welcoming and kind to me. The toughest part for me was the kids, because for the previous 9 months, I hadn't been around any smaller human forms besides college students; it took quite awhile to get used to that. All was going pretty great till the whole broken foot thing happened to my Aunt. After that day, I became responsible for almost everything. I was glad I had paid attention the first month I was here, because it was so vital that I knew where to go, what to do, and when to do it. My role changed that week, as did my attitude, my sleeping schedule, and my character. Things were not perfect, but everyday everyone was fed, clothed, and loved (sometimes I was a little lacking in the love department, even on my best day). Almost everyday I faced a new challenge, and I tried to look at every opportunity as a learning/growing experience. I learned that patience is truly a desired virtue that requires patience to obtain; that having a humble heart makes being a servant to others much easier and beneficial to both people; that love really can conquer all things; but most importantly, I learned that I can do nothing, and that I am nothing, without God's hand in my life. Through all of this, I was taught many lessons and grew in ways that I never thought possible. I absolutely do not regret the way I spent my summer; especially knowing how God ordained it all and brought us through it in one piece. Lately though, I've been grumpier, less tolerable of the antics of the children, and just plain snappy--all of this means it is time for me to move on to another place, and that will happen again in 15 days. I will cherish all of the memories I made with my family here, but I am looking forward to seeing how God will use me and grow me as I prepare to start another year at college. I still have many things to learn, and I am reminded of this daily. Philippians 4:13.

California After All

This summer I am living with my relations in California. I couldn't find a good job at home, and my Aunt had been talking about make possibly coming out here to help with the kids and stuff. God just worked everything out; I've been here for 25 days and I love it! My family is great, the weather is perfect, the mountains and ocean are beautiful, I love my cousins, and I think this is quite possibly one of the best summers of my life! I've done so many crazy things: learned how to ride a motorcycle, got a California drivers license and a motorcyle endorsement, ate a fish taco (and didn't like it), gone running in the mountains, found a new church that I really like, driven on roads that make me feel like a racecar driver, held a dragon/lizzard, gave an almost-stranger my number, kept major commitments to myself, and have just been living it up. The atmosphere out here on the West Coast is so great...I definitely want to live out here one day. My sister has been out here for a week, and she has been a great help and so much fun. I will miss her when she leaves next Wednesday.

I am so thankful for all the opportunities I have been blessed with the past couple of weeks. I am one of the luckiest kids on the face of the plannet, that's for sure. Every day is a new adventure, and I know the rest of my summer is going to be wonderful....just absolutely wonderful; it's California after all :)

Struggling Through Mud-like Conditions.

So I have been struggling with some deep and heavy stuff the past week...since I've been home. I had this really weird feeling for a couple of days, and I couldn't figure it out at first. I knew that things would be different when I came back, just because I had been gone for so long, but there was still something else that wasn't quite right. Sunday during church at CCF I finally realized what it was. It hurt so badly that I took that thought and shoved it to the back of my head, but it kept flooding into my mind all that day. I came to the realization that I don't belong here...and even I'm not quite sure what that means, so don't go around asking me. I know that I was lacking peace, and that is one of the most horrible feelings a person can have. I spent all day trying to figure out why, all day questioning God and trying to come up with my own answers. Either I really don't belong here and God is making that perfectly clear, or, he has taken away the one thing I was looking forward to the most (being home, and the feeling inside of knowing that you are wanted and needed, and that you belong) so that I would find my satisfaction in him alone. The more I thought about this, the more I concluded that I don't always find my satisfaction in God; I look to the things of this world, to people, and the situations I find myself in to determine if things are ok. It is so hard for me to admit that; I fail constantly in regard to relying on God and allowing myself to be fully satisfied with only him. After I thought about all of this, and about the things going on, I became very upset; I had no clue what to do. But today I had a revelation where I was able to put together everything that everyone was telling me, and all that God has been showing me through his word. God has a great purpose for my life, and while I may be completely clueless about all that is going on, all he calls me to do is be faithful. He will take care of the details along the way, and THAT is what gives me the peace that I have at this moment. My God is so powerful, and he is working through every situation in my life. I need to prepare myself everyday by asking God to satisfy me, and I need to be ready to follow his calling. It's your move God; mold my heart, keep me flexible, empty me, and draw me closer to you...I think I'm ready.

Freshman Year Is/In A Nutshell.

Well, it's time to catch everyone up on the things going on in my life again. I have successfully completed my freshman year at Pensacola Christian College, and I cannot believe that it is over already! I mean, I know people say it goes fast, but I wasn't expecting it to go by that quickly! I have not received my grades back from this semester yet, but I can tell you with full confidence that I passed all my classes and made the Dean's List. Last Monday I found out that I was accepted into the Nursing Program, and I am thrilled to death that I start my clinical rotation next semester along with some hardcore nursing classes! All the glory goes to God, because without his strength I could not get through all those tough days, and without his grace I would have failed at everything I tried to do through my own power. God got me through it all, and I am thankful that I have such a faithful and loving Savior.

I learned a great deal of head knowledge this year, and while that is wonderful and essential to the successful college student, I can honestly say that this was not the most important area of my life that improved my freshman year. I went into this 9 months ago just trying to escape from everything going on, and I really didn't know what God wanted me to learn from this experience/time of personal development. I expected to learn and grow in my field of study, but I wasn't planning on all the spiritual and personal growth I have gone through, especially over the last semester. God stretched me in so many ways, and it is so hard to explain exactly what happened to me while I was at school. The easiest way to say it is that I changed, and that I am not the same person who left last September. I struggled every day with many different things, and yeah, sometimes I failed in the biggest ways possible; but God has helped me conquer a lot of my issues I have struggled with, and I know that through his power I can do all things. This doesn't mean that I am going to be the perfect person and always do everything right, but I now know that when I fail, God's grace covers it and I get another day to try harder to succeed for his glory. This is what motivates me to get up every morning and arm myself with God's word, and to spend time talking to my Savior and asking for his help….both habits that I acquired this semester and never want to give up. He used one of my roommates to sorta keep me accountable, and she taught me so many things and kept me focused on what was important; I am very grateful for the godly influence she had on my life, and I will never be able to thank her enough.

Another thing I am thankful for that God blessed me with at school were my friends, roommates, fake roommates, classmates, hall mates, and everyone else he put in my life who encouraged me and strengthened me. There were days where I didn't know if I was going to make it, but all these people helped me get through it. I grew extremely close to two of my roommates, and every night we would pray together. Our prayers consisted of issues going on in our lives, our friends (this list became quite long by the end of the semester), and any crazy little thing we felt like bringing before God together. These two roommates became some of the closest friends I have ever known; I am already missing them a great deal. Next semester I am going to be roommates with one of them again, and I feel bad for whoever else is stuck in the room with us! I heard that sophomore nursing majors go crazy during fall semester, and we will both be losing it as we study for our many difficult classes next fall.

So in a nutshell, that has been my life for the last four months. I've gone to parties, lived at the beach, almost passed out during speech class, contemplated jumping out of a window, ate many pizzas, cried/laughed so hard I thought I was going to die, stood up for myself, cleaned (a lot!), became a penniless popper, and made many great memories that I will never forget. God has taught me so many great lessons, and has allowed me to grow in many wonderful ways. Cheers to the next 6 semesters of gaining knowledge and wisdom (Lord willing!). Proverbs 24: 3-6 says, "By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. A wise man is full of strength, and a man of knowledge enhances his might, for by wise guidance you can wage your war, and in abundance of counselors there is victory."

4 Months in 20 minutes.

Wow, where to begin? I guess I will just start where the last post left off and catch you up as much as I can. The first month and a half of school was super tough. I had a hard time with balancing everything I needed to get done, and I had a pretty bad attitude concerning everything. Granted, some of the complaints were merited, but I should have risen above the situations and the trials. God gave me grace and mercy, and he really helped me fall in love with the school the second month I was there. After awhile, the rules weren't so bad, and I started having a really good time. I learned to take everything in stride and to not take things personally, which really helped me get along with most of the people I was around. I was still extremely busy, but because of my wonderful friends and their encouragement, the little things didn't bother me as much. About two weeks before Thanksgiving, my friend Nicole received a call from her Mom that her uncle died. She was torn apart, and as we sat in the stairwell morning the loss of her uncle, I remember thinking that I would completely lose it if one of my uncles died. That Thursday, I received the most unexpected call of my life; my Uncle Steve died. For about the next week, I can't remember anything. I know I went to classes, failed quizzes, and cried myself to sleep every night. I tried my best to keep up with everything as I waited for almost a week to come home, but the whole situation didn't even seem real to me. I was scared to go home, because I knew I would have to finally deal with it all, but I also knew I had to be there for my family as well. I was in Indy for four days, and I hated explaining why I was there and not at school to everyone I came into contact with. I hated the small talk that I had to make with everyone at the funeral about school, the rules there, and Florida weather. It was nice seeing my family and friends, but then I was dreading going back to school. I was so far behind, and it took me almost the rest of the semester to catch up. Friends and the people at school were so great when I came back, helping me in any way they possible could. The last four weeks of school were great! I got to spend Thanksgiving Day in the E.R. with one of my friends (I got demerits for that), we had so many parties on our floor, I broke several rules and had a great time doing so, and I also think I overdosed on caffeine. All in all, I had a great first semester, and I ended it all with a 3.7 GPA (thank you Jesus!). Most importantly though, I made some amazing lifelong friends, I grew up a little bit more, and I gained a great deal of spiritual knowledge and insight. I really didn't want to leave school 5 weeks ago, I just wanted you all to come down and visit me there!

So I've been home for five weeks, and what have I done? I bought a guitar the first week I was home, and I've played it till 3 am almost every morning (Nicole's roommate Lorena taught me how to play). I worked at DQ only twice while I was home, but I went to the hospital to volunteer every Thursday. I went to some Bible Bowl activities, had fun at Christmas, spent time with friends and family, caught up on sleep, and was pretty much a bum for the entire break.

So what's in my future? Well, I am getting on a plane to go back to Pensacola tomorrow afternoon, ready to start my second semester of my freshman year. I am happy and sad, excited and nervous, enthusiastic and depressed…basically any two antonyms you could think of. I am so thankful for this opportunity to go back to PCC and continue my education, I know several friends who cannot come back because of finances or family issues. This semester is going to be more difficult in some ways; the classes will be more complex, the teachers will expect more, I am depending on a loan from my parents to get me through, and the four months will probably feel longer. In other ways it will be easier though; I am not working (praise God!), I know what to expect, and I know I have amazing friends that will make it all the more wonderful! I know that I will have to work very hard, but I am ready for it. I need to put away my pride, and I need to totally rely on God to supply all my needs.

What is the biggest lesson I've learned through all this? Psalms 27:14 says, "Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." And I am sure He is going to give me many opportunities this semester to put that verse into practice ;)

Christ in Me

We had our first official Pre-nursing student meeting last night where the dean of nursing told us what we needed to do to get into the program. Each year they accept 125 students into their program, and she said that this year there will probably be about 190 eligible students who will have high enough grades to make it. That means they will turn down 65 people, with high enough grades to get in, and it freaked me out a little. I know I’m smart and I have been working hard, but on days like last night I wonder if I’m good enough to make it…it’s just a though that has been lingering in the back of my mind all night. I know I can’t worry about it anymore, and I know I just need to forget about it and give it over to God, but that’s so hard for me. Trusting in his perfect will is not something that comes easy for me; I like to be in control of my future, and it’s a constant struggle every day. If he wants me to get in, I will. So simple, but I have a hard time accepting that.

In fact, there are a lot of things I am struggling with at college, more than I imagined. I never seem to get enough sleep, have enough time, study enough for everything, and have enough fun. Some days it seems like the day drags by, every painful second feels like centuries to my weary soul. Looking back at the five weeks I have been here though feels like it’s only been a couple of days, if that even makes sense. Sometimes I wonder why I left my simple life and amazing family to come here and pay a lot of my to stress myself out, then I remember that this is where I belong right now. I know I am here because my heart’s desire is to be a nurse, to minister to people through such an important job, and I know I am here at PCC because God has led me to this school and called me to this profession. He is stretching me all the time, encouraging me, disciplining me, and teaching me many lessons that are just making me a stronger person. Every trial and failed attempt at success is making me better, and shaping my heart for all of God’s wonderful plans he has in store for me. He is preparing me for the life he has planned for me, and while it seems so hard right now, I know I will face even more difficult situations involving more complicated problems later on in life. The only thing besides the grace of God that is getting me through the rest of the semester is HOPE. No not my dog, but the hope of making it, the hope of succeeding, the hope of growing into a better person, the hope of my best (together with God’s mercy) being enough to get me through. Colossians 2:27 says, “To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Because God lives in us, we have can have hope; because Jesus died for us, we can have hope; because God is so good, we can have hope. There is a song by Tim Hughes called “Everything” that I think is just amazing. The chorus is something like, “Christ in me, Christ in me, Christ in me the hope of glory, you are everything. Be my everything.” I want God to be my everything; I want him to him to be the only thing I desire. If I succeed at everything I am setting out to do in college, I will praise him. Even if I fail, I will still praise him. God’s got my back like no other; he knows what is right for me. I am going to give everything my all, and not only HOPE, but also TRUST in my perfect Savior.